Serenity Now!

  • Posted on March 21, 2010 at 12:01 pm

What a classic Seinfeld reference and oh-so-appropriate. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me know and I’ll try to find a clip on YouTube or something.

I’ve been noticing for a while now that my fuse is getting shorter… and shorter… and shorter. I’m to the point now where I’m like a ticking time bomb that only has 5 seconds left. My mood has been sucky. All winter. Suck, suck, sucky, suck-suck. I know that my depression has a strong seasonal component to it, but I think that I tend to forget during those months in-between how bad it really gets for me during the winter time. And yet, I’m gradually starting to come up out of it now as I start to see more sunlight on a daily basis.

But I’m still fairly ill-tempered at the moment. Anything and everything makes me angry. I have a short fuse, but the bomb itself is really long-lasting. It just keeps going and going. Or maybe it’s just that the fuse extends through the bomb and out the other side. In which case, it’s a really, really long fuse on the other side that burns very slowly. I find that the embers of anger and irritation just seem to smolder deep inside of me for quite a while.

I need to learn some coping techniques. Deep breathing, exercise, meditation, whatever. The stupid thing is that I’ve had a biofeedback game (okay, one biofeedback unit and two actual games or sets of meditation exercises that plug into it) for years. The biofeedback unit’s USB cord hasn’t even brushed the lips of the USB hub on my new computer. Nor has the software been installed. I did actually make an attempt to install it when I first tried Vista on the new machine, only to find out that it didn’t stand a chance of running on Vista. On a side note, don’t install Vista, for any rhyme or reason – EVER! It is a horrible piece of crap. I managed to forget that Microsnot seems to only be able to put out a good operating system every other try. My cardinal rule of thumb is to skip every other major version release. I just failed to do that this time. But, no matter; I just had to buy a new copy of Windows 7 as soon as it came out, reformat my hard drives and install everything from scratch – again.

But I digress. The software didn’t work on Vista when I tried to install it. Which is truly not that shocking, now that I know more about Vista. Of course, I am running the 64-bit of Windows 7, which, in some respects, buys me a whole other boatload of trouble as far as software support goes. So, I have gone without for quite some time. Not like I was actually using it when I did have it installed (and I still have that machine hooked up and running…).

No matter how you slice it, I obviously need some help. I find stitching relaxing, but I have managed to attach some sort of guilt factor to it recently, so that if I contemplate stitching for a while, I find a million other things that I really should be doing instead. I’m a master at not taking proper care of myself, what can I say? But, something has to give, and soon. And I would greatly prefer that it not be my sanity. I almost wrote “here’s to hoping that I am able to regain control soon,” but hoping isn’t going to get it done, now is it? It’s time to actually take myself by the hand (or maybe the hair?) and do better for myself. This is the year, I can just feel it. Change is on the wind.

2 Comments on Serenity Now!

  1. Lee says:

    Have you tried yoga? Particularly practicing yoga in a class with other people? And particularly a class that has a meditation component to it. Since we’re encouraged to take what we learn “on the mat” to our life “off the mat”, it’s really helpful everyday for my spirit and my body. If you find a class and an instructor that you like, maybe it’ll help you, too.

  2. Christine S says:

    I can totally empathize with you, Jenna, since I seem to be the same way. I don’t have depression but I certainly do feel gloomier and crankier in the winter months. I also agree that stitching is relaxing and helpful but I feel guilty when I do stitch and often don’t actually stitch until I feel that I’ve done enough “chores”.

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