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Don’t Freak Out, I’m Okay

  • Posted on December 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I apologize to anyone that I may have freaked out with my post last night. I am struggling to deal with the reality of my parents’ impending divorce smacking me in the face while I’m home. I needed to do a brain dump to get everything out. Writing is what saves my sanity in times like these and is what I turned to the last time my mother got divorced, as well.

Thank you for your support, as I can use all that I can get right now, but I will be fine, I assure you. I just have a lot of processing to do; far more than I had realized and/or ever anticipated. So, there will probably be more writing on the horizon, but it’s not a cry for help, just a release of emotion.

Sadness

  • Posted on December 23, 2011 at 1:23 am

Please forgive this very personal post, but I had an intense need to capture my thoughts and emotions this night so that I can purge them and move on.

_________________________

Oh no, no, no, no, no. Please no. Not now. Not again.

I’ve spent the last 23 years of my life clawing my way out of that deep, dark, miserable fucking hole that I was thrown into as a child and just as I’m finally reaching the top, I find the walls to be unscalable, the surface slicked by a flood of tears that won’t stop. My eyes are red and puffy, my sinuses stuffed and swollen. I can’t lie down to try to escape into sleep because I can barely breathe. Every fiber of my being yearns to run. Run away and never look back. Never come back.

I can’t take the silence, the boredom, the sadness, the pain, the hurt, the moving boxes, the empty bookcases. It has made a place that I already disliked visiting completely unbearable. I know that I need to scrape together what has become, in just one night, in only a matter of hours, the scattered vestiges of my sanity, put on a happy face and get through the next couple of days. I’m just not sure how.

Why? Why me? Why now? Just when I was starting to regain my sense of self, remember who I really am, reach out and dare to become who I’m meant to be. Haven’t I cleared enough hurdles? Haven’t I earned the right to get myself to a place where I am happy with everything in my life? I still had a ways to go to even get there and yet here I am. Feeling like that sad, scared, empty and lonely little girl again. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to go through that again. Losing myself for two decades was bad enough. I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t want to be broken, like a doll laying in a ditch after a hurricane, dirty and damaged.

I have a husband who is trying to help, wants to help. But he can’t. No one can. No one can follow where I go. And no one really should or should even want to. I don’t want to be here. Not again. Never again.

And so I won’t. Somehow I will finish the climb out of that hole and I will seal it up so that I can never fall down again. I will find the strength to keep moving forward, to keep moving towards my dreams. I will not lose myself again. I can do this. I will do this.

Tonight, I may cry myself to sleep. I may feel as though I could drown in my tears. But tomorrow, the sun will rise. And another day will begin anew. And I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.


My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com