You are currently browsing the archives for June 2005.

Modern Version of the Birds and the Bees

  • Posted on June 30, 2005 at 7:47 pm

Little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The
father answers: “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed
little Pop-Up appeared and said: You’ve Got Male!”

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

  • Posted on June 29, 2005 at 8:13 pm

Just remember… these are meant to be funny, not useful! 😉

  1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
  2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
  7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
  8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

    You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and
    should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

    Remember:
    Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

    If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

    And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

    Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Fried Eyes?

  • Posted on June 26, 2005 at 8:29 pm

Working through a bit of a headache tonight. I think I pushed the limits with my eyes. Stitching for hours, then worked on the laptop, then stitched some more, through some TV into the mix and you get a lot of eyestrain and periods of bad posture. Oh well, I’m stopping for the night now.

I think my goal of finishing all three models this weekend was a tad bit unrealistic… ya think?!? 🙂 I’m getting close on the second one, but the third will probably take another week because I won’t have time to work on it during the week. Maybe I’ll send the two that are done this week…

One Model Done, Two to Go

  • Posted on June 25, 2005 at 10:45 pm

My goal for this weekend was to finish all three models, if possible. I’m now starting to wonder if it will indeed be possible or not. I’m thinking not… but that’s probably okay. I just wanted to get these done and back to the designer as soon as possible so that she would have them sooner (it’s a rush job anyway) and so I can focus on finishing my July Exchange Gift and then other projects.

Probably going to visit my parents next weekend. It will be a good time for us to travel, due to the holiday, so that we can get a weekend in with them and then still have time to crash and relax at home for a couple of days afterwards. I’ll want to finish the models and get them shipped out before we go, so that I don’t have to take them with us. That way, I can take other small projects and hopefully get a good amount of stitching time in on them, both in the car and at my parents’ house. My step-sister will be home next weekend, as well, so it should be a busy house and an interesting time. 🙂

New Models Have Arrived

  • Posted on June 24, 2005 at 3:21 pm

Well, the models from the new designer I just starting talking about working for arrived yesterday. I immediately ripped open the package, inspected the contents, read through all of the charts and then ironed all of the fabric. I actually did 1/4 or so of the first of the three models last night. However, I ran into a couple of questions, so thought it would be better to stop and send off an email to the designer. She responded overnight, so I’m in good shape to continue.

We’re going to visit friends for dinner tonight. The first time we’ve been able to get together with this couple in quite some time. It will be nice to see them again and just hang out with people for a change.

Rosebuds…

  • Posted on June 23, 2005 at 1:29 pm

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells
her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your
rose buds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes
down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she
has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…The
grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

The Saga of the Public Ladies’ Room

  • Posted on June 22, 2005 at 11:03 am

TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up
toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of
toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never,
never sit on a public toilet seat.”

And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I’d have
wet down my leg. And we’d go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The
Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder is
especially full. When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you
find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale
on Mel Gibson’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely
at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling
politely. And you finally get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.

Every one is occupied.

July Exchange Gift Progress

  • Posted on June 19, 2005 at 7:13 pm

Hauled some major booty on this one today. I had moments where I just sat and stared at the thing for a little bit, contemplating what to do next and how to accomplish it, but I finished everything but the weaving of the 3 hardanger squares. I’m leaving this to tackle for another day because the instructions make the blanket stitch flower filling look pretty intimidating. I’m not sure I’m up to stitching it 3 times, either, even if I do figure it out, so I think I’m going to haul out the Janice Love books and find two other fillings to substitute. I may do my two favorites from my mini band sampler design that I did for the Friendship Tapestry. They look great and I know I can do them!

I want to have the JEG done by this weekend so that I can finish it up into a needleroll, then finish the pincushion that goes with it and have them ready to mail out. That way I won’t have to worry about them until the mailing date rolls around. This will leave me will some time to attack the new model stitching projects when they come in, work on the long abandoned Heirloom Memories Sampler and put some quality time into my Tiny Rose Mandala Garden.

So Much Stitching…

  • Posted on June 18, 2005 at 11:09 pm

so little time? Hopefully not the case.

I did finish my second instance of the Dinky Dyes hardanger scissors fob on Thursday night. I was able to do a lot of stitching on Wednesday and Thursday while we were waiting in the hospital for Terry’s tests, just no finishes.

I’ve started a lot of projects this week, for sure. Started a new 5 x 7″ birth sampler for friends who are due in September. Kitted up and started the Chatelaine freebie Tiny Rose Mandala Garden. I haven’t put a whole lot of stitches into that one yet, but I’m already enjoying the perfect symmetry of her designs. I’m a very symmetrically minded person, so I think that’s why Chatelaine and Just Nan designs appeal to me.

I also just lined up (I hope) a new model stitching project. This one will be a rush job, so will take priority as soon as it arrives. So, I have a July deadline for the July exchange gift (which I worked on tonight), a July deadline for the new model stitching, a July cyberclass, an early August deadline for the Chatelaine mini mandala garden (to take to the Sudberry garage sale so that I can find a suitable box for it) and a September deadline for the birth sampler. I’m not putting any sort of deadline on finishing the Heirloom Memories Sampler at this point, since I have enough to worry about for now.

So, tomorrow I intend to focus on getting as much of the July exchange gift project stitched as possible.

Don’t Mess With Women Experiencing PMS or Menopause!

  • Posted on June 17, 2005 at 7:04 pm

Q: How many women with PMS, or MENOPAUSE, does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows
HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They
would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite
the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did,
by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T
ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T
EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I’m sorry. What was the question?


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