I was just “talking” to Barbara the other day and mentioned that I’ve been feeling restless lately. It’s like no matter what I’m doing, I feel like I want to or ought to be doing something different. Then the thought came to me: Isn’t it inherent to us, as human beings, to strive for something more, something else? Isn’t that the nature of the human condition? Or is it?<\/p>\n
I was curious as to what others thought. Do you ever feel this way? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m content with my lot in life, as a whole. I have a good life, I have good friends and I have everything I need. I just wonder sometimes if I wasn’t meant to be doing something more with my life.<\/p>\n
I cannot express it any more clearly than that, unfortunately. It’s just a persistent feeling that I could be doing something big, something important, something… I don’t know. Like I’m supposed to be this bigger, better, brighter star. If I could put my finger on it, I would probably be a lot happier. Not that I’m not happy now. There’s just this tickle that’s always lurking in the back of my brain. Like a shadow that flits by the corner of your eye, but when you turn your head quickly to catch it, all you get is dizzy. \ud83d\ude06<\/p>\n
On another note, I had my biweekly appointment with Dr. Steve last night. Solid waterworks from start to finish, for the most part. I hate being out of control, especially when it comes to crying, so it’s never comfortable for me. I blame that on working in an male-dominated industry for too many years. But I suck it up and deal because I need to work through some of this old pain that I’m still carrying around.<\/p>\n
Divorce is an ugly thing. Don’t get me wrong, if you are deeply unhappy in a relationship or being abused, get out! It’s no better for a child to deal with constant fighting, tension and stress in their lives. But don’t kid yourself. Even an amicable divorce can scar a child. Even a teenage child. There is no “easy” divorce or easy decision where children are involved. As I’ve heard Dr. Phil say time and time again, children have a unique ability to find fault in and blame themselves when adults are unhappy.<\/p>\n
Or, in my case, you end up with a lifelong struggle against an overwhelming urge to “fix” everyone that you care about and everything that’s wrong in their lives. Yep, that’s me. A fixer. And it hurts because I cannot fix anyone other than myself. That’s reality. But reality and logic often have little to do with affairs of the heart, now do they? \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
Anyway, I have abandonment issues. We started off talking about me wanting to help fix the problems of a coworker who was just diagnosed with endometriosis and is being pressured by her doctor to either have children now or have a full hysterectomy. Yeah, we won’t get into that issue in this post, but let’s just say that it hits close to home, since I was diagnosed at the tender age of 18 with endometriosis myself. Which brings me around to the whole issue of should we have a child or not. And, for some reason, last night the ‘nots’ weren’t weighing as much as they usually do. I’ll blame it on hormones or something. I’m just not 100% comfortable yet with the decision to not have children, I guess. And I may never be. I run just as much risk of being unhappy with the decision to have a child. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I suppose.<\/p>\n
And then, somehow, by the end of the session, everything came back around to the abandonment issue. Crud. That’s a thorn that lies so deep and have been so thoroughly covered with layers and layers of scar tissue over the years that I’m having a tough time pulling it out so that I can examine it and hopefully get rid of it. And it’s painful. Crud. The adult in me can easily use logic and reason to explain it away, but the kid in me has her fingers in her ears, saying “La la la la la la la la. I can’t hear you and I don’t care. It still sucks.” Sooner or later, the two are going to have to meet on neutral ground and come to an agreement if I am ever going to heal.<\/p>\n
I think the thorn is shifting, but everytime I move it up towards the light a little bit during a session with Dr. Steve, I go home afterwards and bury it again, covering it over with yet another layer of scar tissue. Something tells me this is going to be a bloody battle…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was just “talking” to Barbara the other day and mentioned that I’ve been feeling restless lately. It’s like no matter what I’m doing, I feel like I want to or ought to be doing something different. Then the thought … Continue reading