I haven’t told many people what’s been going on with me lately, but I guess I’m about to announce it to the world. I feel like I owe it to my readers to continue being open and honest because it seems to help us all. So, here is the sad truth: I’m not faring so well in my battle with depression. I’ve suspected it for a while, but it’s pretty much official now. I saw Dr. Steve last night and he thinks he’s going to change my diagnosis from disthymia (which was basically just off-kilter mood disorder) to major depression. He wants me to see a psychiatrist to see if my medications need to be changed.<\/p>\n
I’m so frustrated, annoyed and sad about this that it’s not even funny. Terry is concerned that I’m going to put too much stock in the diagnosis and he’s partially right. But, in reality, I think it’s more just a validation of what I already knew was happening. I’m sliding down this slippery slope instead of clawing my way upwards. I was brutally honest with Dr. Steve last night. About everything. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not involving myself with anyone socially. Not calling people. Not talking to people. Sleeping a lot. Feeling listless, rudderless and directionless. Not wanting to do much of anything. Lessened libido. The whole nine yards.<\/p>\n
Yes, I put up a good front when I go in to work and I don’t let on what’s really going on, but the truth is that I’m retreating from the world. And I JUST DON’T CARE. I’m going through the motions and that’s pretty much it.<\/p>\n
Somewhere inside of me is this highly motivated, intelligent, strong woman who is raging at being unjustly locked up like this. I’m so irritated that after all of the break-throughs that I’ve had and the progress that I’ve made, here I am. Sitting on my behind at the bottom of the hill. Looking up at where I was and wondering how the heck I got down here.<\/p>\n
I had a migraine this morning whose return I am still actively fighting. And my emotions are raw and unpleasant. I just want to break down and sob. And maybe I should because I might feel better after that release. I really hate feeling like this. I want to rend my breast in twain and just let out all of this junk that’s bottled up in my chest. All of the pain, frustration, anger and sadness. I want to scream, I want to rage, I want to roar, I want to cry, I want to hiss, I want to spit.<\/p>\n
To use a word from Futurama that lets me feel like I’m swearing without actually doing so: CRAPSPACKLE!<\/p>\n
Screw you, depression, and the horse you rode in on. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I haven’t told many people what’s been going on with me lately, but I guess I’m about to announce it to the world. I feel like I owe it to my readers to continue being open and honest because it … Continue reading