{"id":128,"date":"2005-06-22T11:03:16","date_gmt":"2005-06-22T16:03:16","guid":{"rendered":"\/?p=128"},"modified":"2005-07-25T12:48:51","modified_gmt":"2005-07-25T16:48:51","slug":"the-saga-of-the-public-ladies-room","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/?p=128","title":{"rendered":"The Saga of the Public Ladies’ Room"},"content":{"rendered":"

\nTOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS<\/p>\n

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.<\/p>\n

As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up
\ntoilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of
\ntoilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never,
\nnever sit on a public toilet seat.”<\/p>\n

And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over
\nthe toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
\nflesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I’d have
\nwet down my leg. And we’d go home.<\/p>\n

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The
\nStance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder is
\nespecially full. When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you
\nfind a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale
\non Mel Gibson’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely
\nat all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling
\npolitely. And you finally get closer.<\/p>\n

You check for feet under the stall doors.<\/p>\n

Every one is occupied.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the
\nwoman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch.
\nIt doesn’t matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down
\nyour pants and assume “The Stance.” Relief. More relief.<\/p>\n

Then your thighs begin to shake. You’d love to sit down but you
\ncertainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on
\nit, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that
\nwould register an eight on the Richter scale.<\/p>\n

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet
\npaper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the
\ntiny tissue that you blew your nose on that’s in your purse. It
\nwould have to do.<\/p>\n

You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
\nyour thumbnail.<\/p>\n

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work
\nand your purse whams you in the head. “Occupied!” you scream as you
\nreach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling
\nbackward, directly onto the toilet seat.<\/p>\n

You get up quickly, but it’s too late.<\/p>\n

Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms
\non the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that
\nthere was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would
\nbe utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never
\ntouched a public toilet seat because, frankly,<\/p>\n

“You don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.”<\/p>\n

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
\nso confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a
\nfountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force
\nthat you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being
\ndragged to China. At that point, you give up.<\/p>\n

You’re soaked by the splashing water. You’re exhausted. You try to
\nwipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out
\ninconspicuously to the sinks.<\/p>\n

You can’t figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic
\nsensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
\nwalk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to
\nsmile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very enof the
\nline points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your
\nshoe as long as the Mississippi River!<\/p>\n

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and
\nsay warmly, “Here. You might need this.”<\/p>\n

At this point, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited
\nhis bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.<\/p>\n

“What took you so long?” he asks, annoyed.<\/p>\n

This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.<\/p>\n

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal
\nwith a public toilet.<\/p>\n

And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/128"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=128"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/128\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=128"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=128"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennamagee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=128"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}