So Much, So Much…

I have way too much going on right now. It’s very overwhelming.

The good news? After our sailing expedition the other weekend, we had so much fun that we decided to buy a boat. We go to the dealer tomorrow to sail it and potentially take it home with us. I can’t wait to be able to go out onto the Chesapeake Bay and escape all of the noise, hassle and stress for a weekend. Ahhhhhhhh… won’t that be nice? In the meantime, I still need to get a life vest for Phoebe (yes, they make them for dogs) and make sure that we have all of our ducks in a row before we leave next Wednesday morning for Canada for a week. For those who have asked, we are going to be driving up to Saint John, New Brunswick for the Saturday nuptials of Terry’s dad. It’s the same day as Christine V‘s wedding. 🙂

In other news, there are several stories running concurrently. I have managed to get back onto my feet on the work front and even though I am still bored and dissatisfied with my job, I am getting a lot accomplished. So far, this week, I have been juggling a minimum of two different projects during the day, but often more. That’s more like my normal self, but it is exhausting.

I saw a gastroenterologist on Friday morning regarding my chronic IBS and some stomach pains that I’ve had recently. As a result, a small barrage of tests have been ordered. Yesterday, I had an abdominal ultrasound of all of the organs floating around in my midsection. I also stopped in and had blood taken for the blood tests that he ordered. Friday morning I will be having an upper GI with small bowel study. This is where I get to drink some thick liquid that I’m just praying isn’t too nasty and they chase it through my digestive tract. At least, that’s what I think it is. If you have unpleasant stories about a similar procedure, please don’t share them with me. I am trying to stay positive about it, so I only want to hear if you have a story where it was much easier than you thought it would be. Or something along those lines. I’ll go back to see him in late August (I’m on vacation, then he is) for the follow-up to see what the results of all of the tess show and see if there is a need for him to do a colonoscopy.

On the psychological front, I have been feeling a little bit down lately but I seem to be leveling out. Even if that level is a little lower than my normal, chipper self. My psychiatrist gave me an official diagnosis of Bipolar II on Friday. I convinced him to delay any change in medication for a month, since we’re going away and I didn’t want to be away on vacation in the middle of a med. change. I see him again in August and will take up the argument discussion again at that time. I’m trying to take this time to do my homework about bipolar disorder to see if I agree with his diagnosis, what treatment alternatives are available and how I can help to manage my highs and lows.

I have to say that I am very anxious about this diagnosis, even though I got a hint of it from Dr. Steve weeks before. Several people have advised me to get a second opinion, but getting in with a new psychiatrist around here takes a good bit of time. Terry and I have had some in-depth discussions about it. From what I’ve read of the standard symptoms and descriptions of the four possible levels of bipolar disorder, I happen to agree that I fit into that category. It’s the treatments that I’m concerned about. Many of the available drugs seem to be concerned about treating the manic symptoms where I’m more worried about the depression symptoms. I’ve only ever had two episodes that seem to qualify as hypomanic (less than full mania and not really disruptive to my life), so I’m much less concerned with those at the moment. It’s the depressive episodes that I would prefer to get under control. I really don’t like the side effects associated with many of the medications, either. I looked at the one the psychiatrist wants to put me on (Abilify) and I don’t know that I’m willing to risk the side effects. One of the potential serious side effects is tardive dyskinesia, which may be irreversible. As an artist (whether I am one professionally or not, I still consider myself to be one at heart), I cannot afford to have uncontrollable twitching. Especially if it’s permanent.

Can I just say here and now that I SERIOUSLY object to the fact that he wants to put me on a drug that is classified as an antipsychotic? I am not psychotic! I’m railing against the added stigma of being diagnosed as being bipolar (as if being depressed wasn’t enough stigma), now I’m a psycho? Sheesh. I know that I’m probably blowing it out of proportion, but I’m in a very uncomfortable place right now. So far, I like to think that I’ve really tried to roll with the punches, trying different medications, being very open and honest in therapy, but I’m hitting a bit of a brick wall on this one.

And so, with that weighing heavily on my mind, I go to see Dr. Steve tonight. I plan on focusing the discussion on this new diagnosis, what it truly means and what non-medicinal treatment options are available to me. I found a pretty good site (named bipolar.com, go figure) that explained that episodes can often be triggered by things like stress. Which really helped to explain what sent me on this journey in the first place (when my grandfather died) and has continued to affect me (stress at work). They have a mood tracker that I printed out and have been filling out every day so far that is supposed to help you recognize your triggers. I think that this could be really helpful. And suddenly, the investment in a boat seems even more sound than before. 😉

Terry has agreed to go in with me for the August appointment with the psychiatrist so that I have a little extra help. I think I’m going to ask Dr. Steve to include him in tonight’s session, as well. I want both of us to really be on the same page so that Terry can help me make informed decisions about my treatment. Besides, I swear he knows me better than I know myself, so it’s good to have another person describing my behaviors, even if he doesn’t know how I’m feeling inside.

Right now, I’m just trying to take life one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. Whatever it takes.

About Jenna Magee

IT professional, needleworker, editor/proofreader, author, singer, musician.
This entry was posted in Journey to Self-Discovery, Life in General. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to So Much, So Much…

  1. KarenV says:

    I think including Terry in your appointments is a great idea! I hope your session with Dr.Steve goes OK and that you find the appropriate medication for you, one that you’re happy with. {{{{Hugs}}}}

  2. Jenn L says:

    My 10 year old is on an antipsychotic as an off-label use for her ADHD/PDD. It’s called Risperdal, and teh combination has worked wonders for her. Strattera alone helped but not enough, and it really wreaked havoc on her sleep patterns and appetites. Risperdal helped to even out the swings that Strattera emphasized.

    From the write-up on my pharmacy’s website: “Risperidone is an antipsychotic medication. It works by changing the effects of chemicals in the brain. Risperidone is used to treat schizophrenia and symptoms of bipolar disorder (manic depression). Risperidone is also used in autistic children to treat symptoms of irritability. Risperidone may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.” So it’s not an entirely off-label use but it’s certainly not the primary use that the medication was developed for.

  3. Barbara says:

    I agree that having Terry included is the right decision – you’re moving into totally different waters (tie in with the boat – big congrats there!) than treating depression. The bipolar diagnosis is scary, even without the fear factor of having antipsychotic meds brought into the picture. Two heads is better than one, and Terry certainly seems a remarkably level-headed and caring man.

    But that’s all pretty easy to say. I am really staggered by what you’re going through right now – I really can’t imagine how you must be feeling. You’ve done an amazing job in following your instincts and using good judgement – the mood tracker is going to provide a very powerful insight into what makes you tick and will go a long way (I believe) in helping you maintain a reaonable degree of balance without having to rely overly much on meds. You keep following your instincts, Jenna!!

  4. Annavsxs says:

    If you have to go the route of colonoscopy, I’m your girl! I’ve had loads of experience, all positive. We can talk. I also think it’s best to have Terry help you with all this. The dude always came to my post-test GI appointments, and it’s really helpful, if only to remember what all was said.

    I had a roommate who was bipolar, and unfortunately, she showed me that we (patients) don’t always know what is best for us, so you should try to keep an open mind about the suggested meds. (Who is stigmatizing you? So far only YOU! Medications can be used in a variety of ways. Just ask me about using anti-anxiety medications for hives…) Anyway, all best to you as you steer yourself through this process.

  5. First of all, the boat thing is very cool, and I’m so jealous because you’ll have a fantastic stitching spot!

    For all you’re going through, *HUG*. It’s really great how Terry is helping you with all of this. He obviously takes the …through sickness and in health… very seriously. That right there is excellent medicine, knowing you’ve got him. (so *HUG* to Terry, too!)

    Both medical issues you’re going through I’m quite ignorant about, so I can’t offer anything but a supportive word, but it sounds like you’re really going about it the right way.

    *HUG*

  6. Angela says:

    It sounds like things are finally on the up and up for you. *Hugs* I don’t really know about the drink you will need to take so I don’t have anything of any use to you.
    But do please keep us posted and
    Happy Sailing!

  7. Isabelle says:

    Dear Jenna, first, I’m so excited for you three about the boat!! You’ll have to show us Phoebe in her life jacket, she must be such a hoot 🙂

    I do hope you manage to find the right medication for yourself. How wonderful of Terry to come to your appointments. That is a great idea.

    Once again, you know how I admire your poise and perspective and overall your courage at facing all this full front.
    There isn’t a day when I don’t think about you and hope you’re doing good ((((hugs))))

    Now I’m off to leave a message on Christine’s blog. I didn’t know she was getting married 😀

  8. Vonna says:

    Jenna, I continue to applaud you in your openess of this issue of your life. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through…but I must say…you seem to be so level headed I find it refreshing and amazing, that you can look at it from all sides and figure out and fight for what is right for you.

    I think that women in general are more manic (no matter if it is depression or elation) than a man is….I know I can be high for weeks to hit a rather low, low….I see it in my mother, I saw it in my grandmothers and if you work with a lot of women…(which my profession is about 90% women) you can see it there too…there is nothing worse than working with a bunch of menstruating women and I’m one! LOL!

    Hang in there our whole little stitching community is firmly in your corner.
    And go out and buy yourself (see I always come around to buying, don’t I) the Christopher Cross Greatest Hits CD to play on your boat…”Sailing, take me away to where I want to always be….”

  9. Christine V says:

    I may be biased, but I think July 21 is an excellent day for a wedding! 😉

    I hope that you’re able to sort things out with your treatments and I think it’s great that Terry wants to help and be involved. You definitely have to post pictures of your new boat!! How cool!

  10. Karoline says:

    {{{Jenna}}} I hope that you can find a course of treatment you’re comfortable with.

  11. Michelle says:

    Jenna, you are doing so great. I think it’s fabulous that you are aware of yourself enough and willing to research alternatives, since it’s the depression not the manic episodes that are where you need to focus. The mood tracker/trigger tracker sounds fabulous. I might try one myself for my migraines, etc. I am holding you in good energy for your tests. I had to drink some stuff when I had my MRI done, and it was not bad. You will do just fine, and I think a positive outlook/attitude makes all the difference. I’d love to give you a big hug right now, and I’m not a huggy person, for all the stuff you have going on right now – but it seems like you are handling it all well. The boat is going to be so much fun!! I’ve never been on one.

  12. Joanne says:

    Yay for the boat.

    You are doing such an amazing job, dealing with everything that you have going on. Having Terry in your sessions is a great idea, and your hubby sounds so loving and supportive of you. Your descision to take one day at a time is very wise and that tracker sounds like a great idea and should have some positive results for you. Take care and be kind to yourself. {{{{HUGS}}}}

  13. Dawn says:

    I hope you find a treatment that make you happy!

    When you get Phoebe’s vest you have to show us a picture of her:)

  14. Von says:

    Having just returned home from a week on a ship, I will attest to the benefits of being rocked to sleep! I think this boat will greatly enhance your state of wellbeing. 🙂

    Kudos to you, Jenna, on your continued openness about your journey through life. Thank God you have such a caring husband and many friends for love and support. Hugs!!

  15. Suz says:

    I also think that including Terry is a good idea. Outside people see so much more than we think. Ken was absolutely essential to my diagnosis of anxiety. I kept refusing to believe it, but eventually the neurologist won.

    I completely understand your feelings about being diagnosed as bipolar and the treatments. I was first diagnosed as bipolar when I was 13 (back then “manic depression”) and my family refused to believe the diagnosis. “All teenagers are moody” When I was rediagnosed at 25, it was still just as much of a shock. Because I am not crazy. It seems like a huge stigma, and I hate that, and I really understand how you are feeling.

    As for the drugs – I feel you there, too. The last thing I want to tell people is that I”m on crazy meds. And as for treating the mania – usually they pair those meds with an antidepressant. If you are “lucky” like me, it’s the manic swings (even hypomania) that throw your body off balance into depression, and controlling the mania helps with the depression immensely.

    I’m always around (and reading your blog 😉 ) if you ever want to commiserate on how much it sucks to be “crazy”

    I hope you have a great vacation and lots of fun.

  16. Vicki says:

    Jenna, there is no stigma to having depression or bi-polar! Both are chemical imbalances in our brains! It’s not your fault that you have bi-polar! I have depression and I’m just thankful that there are medications that help me! I have finally accepted that my depression is like any other illness, and I am not ashamed of saying I have it!
    Living one day at a time is definitely the way to go! You are very lucky to have Terry and I think it is wonderful that he goes with you to the doctor! Don’t be so hard on yourself! You are obviously a very intelligent and wonderful person! Celebrate all the wonderful things about you! You are not DEFINED by your bi-polar condition, so don’t let it imprison you! Hugs to you!! And enjoy life! Keep researching your condition so that you will understand what it is and make wise decisions about your treatment!! You inspire me!!

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