The Sad Truth About My Decline

I haven’t told many people what’s been going on with me lately, but I guess I’m about to announce it to the world. I feel like I owe it to my readers to continue being open and honest because it seems to help us all. So, here is the sad truth: I’m not faring so well in my battle with depression. I’ve suspected it for a while, but it’s pretty much official now. I saw Dr. Steve last night and he thinks he’s going to change my diagnosis from disthymia (which was basically just off-kilter mood disorder) to major depression. He wants me to see a psychiatrist to see if my medications need to be changed.

I’m so frustrated, annoyed and sad about this that it’s not even funny. Terry is concerned that I’m going to put too much stock in the diagnosis and he’s partially right. But, in reality, I think it’s more just a validation of what I already knew was happening. I’m sliding down this slippery slope instead of clawing my way upwards. I was brutally honest with Dr. Steve last night. About everything. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not involving myself with anyone socially. Not calling people. Not talking to people. Sleeping a lot. Feeling listless, rudderless and directionless. Not wanting to do much of anything. Lessened libido. The whole nine yards.

Yes, I put up a good front when I go in to work and I don’t let on what’s really going on, but the truth is that I’m retreating from the world. And I JUST DON’T CARE. I’m going through the motions and that’s pretty much it.

Somewhere inside of me is this highly motivated, intelligent, strong woman who is raging at being unjustly locked up like this. I’m so irritated that after all of the break-throughs that I’ve had and the progress that I’ve made, here I am. Sitting on my behind at the bottom of the hill. Looking up at where I was and wondering how the heck I got down here.

I had a migraine this morning whose return I am still actively fighting. And my emotions are raw and unpleasant. I just want to break down and sob. And maybe I should because I might feel better after that release. I really hate feeling like this. I want to rend my breast in twain and just let out all of this junk that’s bottled up in my chest. All of the pain, frustration, anger and sadness. I want to scream, I want to rage, I want to roar, I want to cry, I want to hiss, I want to spit.

To use a word from Futurama that lets me feel like I’m swearing without actually doing so: CRAPSPACKLE!

Screw you, depression, and the horse you rode in on. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

About Jenna Magee

IT professional, needleworker, editor/proofreader, author, singer, musician.
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26 Responses to The Sad Truth About My Decline

  1. Von says:

    {{{{{{Jenna}}}}}
    Keep fighting it, Jenna. We’re with you all the way. You are a strong, vibrant woman who just needs some extra help getting back to herself. Please do see the psychiatrist and Dr. Steve, and anyone else you need. You aren’t alone in this. {{{{{more hugs}}}}}

  2. KarenV says:

    {{{{{{{{{{{Jenna}}}}}}}} Go ahead and scream, shout, cry if you want to. Seriously. It might help with some of the frustration that you’re feeling right now.

    I know exactly where you’re coming from, as I have similar issues with my anxiety. Some days I feel on top of the world and other days, I’m scared to leave the house in case I have a panic attack. Sometimes I feel like I’m making progress with things I find difficult to do and then other times I feel like I’m back to square one. I manage without medication and I *have* made progress but I’m just glad that I have an incredibly supportive husband who understands and doesn’t judge – I’m sure you have the same in Terry. Hang in there and remember that we’re here for you.

  3. Shannon L. says:

    *huge hugs* Keep fighting it, yell and scream as loudly as you want. If you’re angry at it, then that’s a good thing. It means you do care. And, having been there a few times myself – finally realising and accepting what was going on was the first step to getting better and becoming happier. It’s not easy. But you can do it. And as Karen says, remember that we’re here for you. Talk about it, get it out, yell and scream, complain and do whatever it takes. *more big hugs*

  4. Jenna,

    ***HUGS***

    I don’t have any magical words to type. You seem ready to battle your depression, rather than accept it, which is a huge step in the right direction.

    Again, ***HUGS***

  5. Outi says:

    (((Jenna)))

    Sometimes life just takes you to situation where you make one step forward and two steps back no matter how hard you try. If I knew why it happens I’d be rich woman.

    I can’t say I know how you actually feel, but I’ve been in similar situation so I think I have some idea of what is going inside of you and how you feel… But what can I say even I have experinced it all and gotten trough it alive? As I remember how awkward all the “hang on, it’ll pass” comments made me feel I really don’t know what to say…

    So, let me just say… let all the bad come out of you by any means you see necessary. If you feel like crying your eyes out and screaming do it as you do it for you.

    And remember: there are many of us who care about you because of the person who you are. 🙂

  6. Jenna, I read this post of yours and I thought I had tons of things to say to you…
    I know you as it could ever be possible to an Italian stitcher who comes for a visit everyday by web, but I swear that the Jenna I know is brilliant, clever, “rich-and-beautiful-inside” if you know what I mean. The Jenna I see is a fighter!
    Because even when you say you’re tired, when you don’t feel like waking up in the morning, the simple writing it down is a form of fight against depression!!
    Trust the doctors, follow their advices and if they suggest different medications, take them!
    I have a friend who has been suffering from depression for years, but she is doing much better now with some medications and psychological supports they’re giving her.
    you have people who care about you, hold on!!
    Hugs from far away
    Raffaella

  7. Rosa Bjarna says:

    I just wanna hug you right now.

    {{{{{{{{{Jenna}}}}}}}}}

  8. Cindy says:

    Giant ))))HUGS(((( Jenna!

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time with your depression right now. I know that it is tough, believe me, I have been there and done that! Just know that you do have a lot of people who love you and care very deeply for you, including all your stitching buddies right here!!!!!

    I am here anytime you feel the need for someone to talk to, I am a great listener! I will be thinking about you and praying for you!

    With Stitching Love,
    Cindy G

  9. zohrah says:

    I don’t know how people get depress or be diagnosed with depression. But there are days when I feel like what you are feeling now. When I feel that way, I look at my purse…Adam pics is there…always smiling back at me. I know I need to stay positive & strong for that little guy.

    Just like Adam, you have Terry…who loves & cherish you…so you need to fight that depression and stay strong. And you are surrounded by people who cares about you from all over the world.

    Big bear hugs. ….love Zohrah

  10. Cathy says:

    Oh Jenna, I wish I could really hug you right now. Hang in there – you are such a great person and I feel so badly that you are going through this struggle right now.
    Prayers and good wishes coming your way.

  11. harsha says:

    Sweetheart… Pls know that I’m thinking of you *hugs*

    Vent all you want, I’m here to listen.

  12. AnneS says:

    My poor twin, it breaks my heart to hear you’re struggling right now … do whatever it takes for you to get well again – scream, kick and fight your way out of that black abyss … I know the road feels really tough right now, but eventually that road is going to take a different direction and become more positive again. To what I’ve come to know of you I know you’re a fighter … and you can battle these demons … don’t forget, you’re my twin! 😉 You have a lot of us out there that care about you deeply … and we’re here to support you in any way you need it 😀 Wish these HUGE {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} could be for real. Hang in there kiddo! xxx

  13. Isabelle says:

    ((((((((Jenna)))))))))) Hang in there my friend… We’re all here for you… We’re hear to listen to you, support you… Depression can make one feel on a roller coaster but you have made lots of progress lately, you have been on the road to (re)construction… Yes, some days, or some weeks you may feel like you’re back to point zero… But deep inside, you’re not really. You know your strength – you know there’s this strong, beautiful, wonderful woman, which is what you are, and which is still there inside you – which is always there…. And you know you’ve made her succeed in the past. She will triumph, my friend! I know you how discouraged you feel right now, but don’t give in!!

    I’ll be thinking of you… ((((hugs)))) to you and (((((hugs)))) to Terry – he sounds like such a great guy!
    Love you, Jenna!

  14. lelia says:

    Hugs to you … Hugs to Terry … Hugs to your family.

    Do whatever it takes, accept the challenge and accept the diagnosis. Name it, label it — then move upward and onward. Battle it with determination, medications, therapies, combinations of all — you can do it Jenna. You are not alone. You are a brave + creative person with loads of support. We all have confidence in you!!

    Every day is a new one … take care GF!!

  15. prajantr says:

    *hugs*

    Take the time you need and te good wishes of us all – and know that through it all we’ll be here whenever you need us.

  16. Anita D says:

    I think part of your depression is due to your migraine. To me personally,
    being happy and positive requires energy and a lot of work, it just
    does not come naturally. I know sometimes, it is not easy to be positive
    and upbeat. I have feel depressed at different stages of my life.
    My solution is to focus on the “positive things” in your life. Things
    that you are thankful and grateful for. Taking a small step at a time.
    Maybe at the end of the day, write down something that is positive, something
    that will put a smile in your face. Don’t overwhelm yourself with too many
    things. We can’t do it all. Please taking small steps and don’t isolate
    yourself. I hope I can be more help. But hang in there, there are lots
    of people out there care about you and will help if you need them.

  17. Barbara says:

    All you can do is keep fighting the good fight, Jenna. Ignore that horrible “I don’t care/Who cares” voice that slips into your thoughts. You are NOT alone – in your diagnosis, your frustration, your feelings of helplessness and anger. Though you aren’t reaching out to people socially, you are keeping us involved and that really is a big deal – be proud of it. Keep fighting, even if it’s “only” with babysteps.

  18. Michelle says:

    Jenna, having gone through major depression myself, I know that it is a hard thing to go through. I often felt like I was sort of going through the motions in my life, and began retreating more and more from everything in my life – people, social events, and finally even things that had made me happy before like stitching, reading, etc. I just let go of everything. By acknowledging that what Dr. Steve has said is pretty much what you may have already suspected, does not mean that you have to see it as another notch on the spiral. Take a look at your meds, as he recommends, and know that you too will get through this. If you need/want to chat further about this, please feel free to send me an email. We are all here for you, and especially with my own revelations lately, I know how much I appreciate being able to post on my blog about what is really going on and feel the love and support of my fellow bloggers. Hugs to you…and we’re here for you.

  19. Angela says:

    We are all here, rooting for you.
    I have battled the depression dragon as well.
    *huge hugs* for you.

  20. Kim says:

    Wow, I am so there with you. I have fought depression for years and it is indeed a slippery slope that can claim you at any time. Definately allow yourself to go through whatever you are feeling, stuffing it down will never work…as I am sure you are well aware. You are doing the best thing you can do, which is to acknowledge it and work through it. I have no doubt that you will find your way back to a good place. Just remember you are never alone, there are so many of us out there struggling right along beside you. Take care of yourself first and foremost and I hope you are feeling fantastic soon. 😀 ((hugs))

  21. Melanie says:

    Oh Jenna, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I agree that just being so honest and putting it all out here is so very important, and I truly hope that the support you have here online is matched by that in real life. We all want to see that strong, wonderful woman set free as much as you do. If I could I’d be right there for you in a heartbeat, and I’m so sorry I can’t be.

  22. Coral says:

    Sweetheart, you can’t fight this alone. Take whatever drugs the good Doc prescribes and before long you will be on top of the world. I have been there, you feel like you are the bottom of a well looking up at a tiny prick of light. With Terry’s love you will get through this, I know. Don’t let depression swallow you, we love your posts too much to let you go.
    big hugs
    Coral

  23. Christine D says:

    You are so strong, Jenna. Please remember you are not alone in this – and that you don’t have to be this strong all the time. You ARE an amazing woman and I am grateful to call you my friend. I am sorry I will have to send you a virtual bear hug until the day I can give you a real one!

  24. Svenja says:

    ((((((Jenna))))))
    Keep fighting, that is a step in the right direction. We are all here for you!

  25. Laura says:

    {{{{{{Jenna}}}}}}
    You go cry, rant, rage, and cry some more. Get it out! Stop bottling it up. Then you can begin to heal, and feel strong again. And be sure to let yourself cry. It releases toxins from the body with your tears, and you will feel better, once you’ve recovered from the crying episode. I know a good cry makes my eyes feel like kaka for days afterwards, but that’s okay. 😉
    {{{{{{Jenna}}}}}}

  26. Redwitch says:

    Hello Jenna
    I just had to post, I usually just read, but I really felt for you as I have been there with depression and it sucks. I was v.lucky to be able to see a counsellor who used a technique called ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ I would def. recommend it. I was also on medication for a while and had to have some time off work. I’m better now but still have some bad days especially at this time of year – my stress/depression is mostly triggered by work but has deep roots in my past. I try to recall some of the strategies I learned with the counsellor and I know that if I’m patient it will pass. Big hugs to you, go easy on yourself and stitch! I find it’s good for absorbing my attention and it takes my mind off things 🙂

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