Sadness

  • Posted on December 23, 2011 at 1:23 am

Please forgive this very personal post, but I had an intense need to capture my thoughts and emotions this night so that I can purge them and move on.

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Oh no, no, no, no, no. Please no. Not now. Not again.

I’ve spent the last 23 years of my life clawing my way out of that deep, dark, miserable fucking hole that I was thrown into as a child and just as I’m finally reaching the top, I find the walls to be unscalable, the surface slicked by a flood of tears that won’t stop. My eyes are red and puffy, my sinuses stuffed and swollen. I can’t lie down to try to escape into sleep because I can barely breathe. Every fiber of my being yearns to run. Run away and never look back. Never come back.

I can’t take the silence, the boredom, the sadness, the pain, the hurt, the moving boxes, the empty bookcases. It has made a place that I already disliked visiting completely unbearable. I know that I need to scrape together what has become, in just one night, in only a matter of hours, the scattered vestiges of my sanity, put on a happy face and get through the next couple of days. I’m just not sure how.

Why? Why me? Why now? Just when I was starting to regain my sense of self, remember who I really am, reach out and dare to become who I’m meant to be. Haven’t I cleared enough hurdles? Haven’t I earned the right to get myself to a place where I am happy with everything in my life? I still had a ways to go to even get there and yet here I am. Feeling like that sad, scared, empty and lonely little girl again. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to go through that again. Losing myself for two decades was bad enough. I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t want to be broken, like a doll laying in a ditch after a hurricane, dirty and damaged.

I have a husband who is trying to help, wants to help. But he can’t. No one can. No one can follow where I go. And no one really should or should even want to. I don’t want to be here. Not again. Never again.

And so I won’t. Somehow I will finish the climb out of that hole and I will seal it up so that I can never fall down again. I will find the strength to keep moving forward, to keep moving towards my dreams. I will not lose myself again. I can do this. I will do this.

Tonight, I may cry myself to sleep. I may feel as though I could drown in my tears. But tomorrow, the sun will rise. And another day will begin anew. And I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

10 Comments on Sadness

  1. Juls says:

    Huge hugs to you dear one!!!! Please know that you are strong!!!!

  2. Juls says:

    Huge hugs dear one!! Please know that you are stronger than you may think!!!

  3. {{{hugs}}} I feel your pain. I’ve struggled very hard to overcome things from my past. I know just how difficult it can be and, even more, just how easy it can be to quickly get sucked right back down into those depths. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive energy your way this weekend!

  4. Stasha says:

    You are strong and can put this behind you. Know that when you reach near the top there are people who love you who are willing to reach in and pull you up. And we’ll be there with the concrete and lime to fill the hole permanently.

  5. Tracy says:

    Jenna! Hugs to you!

  6. Joannet says:

    Dear Jenna,
    I am so sorry that all of these old feelings have reared their ugly heads again in your life. Just keep on repeating the last paragraph of your post; “Tonight, I may cry myself to sleep. I may feel as though I could drown in my tears. But tomorrow, the sun will rise. And another day will begin anew. And I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.” Just take one day, or to break it down further, one hour at a time. Take care Jenna {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

  7. Terri Hall says:

    Jenna dear, do not give up on yourself! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for…you will triumph over whatever is trying to bring you down. You are already on the way there…keep your head held high and tell those who try to destroy you to go to hell!! We all love you and are sending best wishes your way. I pray that God will send you peace and joy this wonderful Christmas season. Our best to DH too…he is a keeper!! Kisses to Abby & Lily.

  8. Gerry and Nancy says:

    You have to remember only two things. One YOU did not cause the problem, you are only part of the collateral damage. Second, your loving and caring husband and all of your true friends and fans believe in YOU and believe that with time and patience, you’ll come to a point of peace. This time of year is for reflecting on the good and trying to relegate the bad to it’s proper place in life. Bad happens, Good happens more. Good wins. You are GOOD. YOU WIN. Love from Dad and Nancy Magee. Merry Christmas

  9. barbara says:

    Jesus, Jenna, what’s wrong????? LMK – I’m really worried!

  10. Anne R says:

    Remember, you are no longer that scared little child – you CAN and you WILL handle this. And this really has nothing to do with you; it’s not YOU they are moving away from. Remember – you moved out first 😉

    Lots of hugs though – it’s not easy, I’m sure. And as far as I’m concerned, you can vent all you like. I’ll still read, and sometimes comment even though I’m not THAT good with words. Send me and e-mail if you want to vent in private 🙂

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